Angie, Dr.

Too sick to work today. Mark said he'd bring some soup over after he gets off of work. I don't know if he really will or not. I really need some extra money this month. Im thinking about taking on another job. It's christmas, but I feel so poor. Oh well. I think i need to see a shrink. I get more and more depressed every day. I thought about Ariel today and I cried. I remember when me and Mark were so happy. Before i made that huge mistake. Before I ruined everything.

Mark and I went to the movies last night. We saw In The Mix, the new usher movie. It was kind of cute, a total date movie. He took me home and we slept together in the same bed, but we didn't have sex. He left really early this morning like at 5. I don't have to work tonight, but I might anyway if Mark doesn't call because I could really use the extra money.

Mark came over this morning. It was nice. We had breakfast together and then made love for a few hours. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies tonight. I was really excited. I hope he'll call. He has to call!

At work today I had a customer ask me if I wouldn't mind making a little extra cash and after work we could talk about it. Well, since Mark isn't going to help me pay my rent anymore I thought any extra cash I could get would be a big help. I figured this guy wanted me to maybe be his maid or personal assistant. So I met him in the parking lot, he wanted to talk about it in his car. And I get in and he pulls out his fucking penis. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I almost died of horror. I was so scared. I tried to get out of the car as quickly as possible, but my hands were shaking so bad. He didn't try to stop me he just looked at me weird. I got out and I ran as fast as I could. Thank God he didnt follow me. Fucking creep. I got home and called Mark to tell him the story and he called me a slut. Im so sad right now.

Kim and I went to see Harry Potter today. She wants me to forget all about Mark and maybe she is right. I could do a whole lot better without him anyway. I think I might go back to school again next semester but I just don't know. Only time will tell. I guess.

Mark hasn't called me all week and isn't answering his phone. My friend said she saw him out a few nights ago with another girl. I want to die all over again.

Mark got out of jail today. I guess the charges were dropped. He came over and made love to me and then he left. I think we are back on the right track. My mom says I should thank my lucky stars that he even wants to date me again. She's right I guess. I did do some pretty awful things. I shouldn't have slept with Tom (his brother) but I was drunk! I knew it wasnt tom's baby though. The timing was all wrong. I love mark with all my heart and soul.

So I called Mark this morning and there was no answer so I went over to his house. When I got there he didn't answer the door. I was like "what in the shit is this" so I forced the door open and let myself in. The apartmen was a mess, worse than usual but no sign of mark. Then I walked outside and the neighbor said "Oh he was arrested last night."

WHAT?

Arrested?

What in the hell did he get arrested for? Apparently he was having some huge I DUMPED THAT BITCH party and it got out of hand, music too loud, cops came and found drugs in his apt. I want to visit him, but it's thanksgiving and I need to be with my family. I feel so bad for him.

I went on a date tonight with a guy I met on the internet. He was tall, dark and only slightly handsome, but I figured what the hell since I hadn't been on a real date in forever and Mark wasn't likely taking me back any time soon. We went to a nice little Italian joint. He wanted to share spaghetti but it was too Lady and the Tramp for me. I let him take me home and put it inside, but he didn't last too long. Such a disappointment even though not entirely unexpected. No one can love me like Mark loved me. I wanted to run into the bathroom and call him but I didn't want the internet lover to hear me. Maybe I will call him tomorrow. Not likely though as I'll probably be sober.

Mark broke up with me. He told me that if he couldn't trust me with major things then there was no point in carrying on our relationship. I feel so empty inside. It's only been a week since I was in the hospital. He won't even take my calls. My mom says I deserve it. How can she be so cruel.

I did it. I had the abortion. Mark is not too happy with me because I didn't tell him until after the fact. Maybe this means that I'm a horrible person. I just don't know what to think anymore.